Mrs She-Tea is being terribly elusive; refusing to take my calls or deliver her entry for Face Off 2012. The portrait of me is obviously so stunning that she’s planning to sell it to The Portrait Gallery in London. As Mother frequently says, “why does one person have to ruin it for everyone?” Well her Duplicity was no match for my Lara Croft. The Best Friend, Becc cracked like a twig; handing over the address of She-Tea Headquarters (closely guarded secret) in exchange for borrowing my Christian Louboutin heels for Date Night with her hubbie. (Couture can be so persuasive).
Dressed for action, in black True Religion Jeans, Armani Black T-Shirt and Prada patent black sneakers; I walked up the cobblestone driveway, dodged the sprinklers, skirted the rose garden and wandered through the open front door of Daylesford’s prettiest 1880’s miner’s cottage. Across the threshold, the seductive smell of lavender lured me in further; like sleep walking off the Lavender plateau in Gorge du Verdon, straight into a Grasse perfumerie. Hessian sacks of Lavender, dried Rose petals and Jasmine flowers covered every inch of floor space. Mrs She-Tea should offer guided tours, because this place is spellbinding; I didn’t know where to look or smell first.
A glint of sunlight at the back of the room caught my eye. There it was. The final Face-Off portrait, leaning against the far wall next to some She-Tea canisters. I see now why The London Portrait Gallery would be interested. It was like looking in a mirror. Gingerly stepping over the hessian sacks to get a closer look, my eyes were drawn to the She-Tea canisters. OMG! I’m a tea! She-Tea is planning to launch a tea dedicated to ME, named @pradagoesrural (my Twitter handle). I’m speechless.
The back label of @pradagoesrural reads…
Adorned in Prada and wellies, @pradagoesrural bombards her inner circle with endless “how to become famous” marketing ideas, coupled with ridiculous deadlines that induce panic-inspired frenzy that make you feel like this is the last possible chance you will ever have to do something meaningful with your life. Her verbal assault of marketing wisdom is swiftly followed with a look that screams, “If you can’t manage this darling, there’s something very wrong with you!”
Her two favourite “F” words, Fabulous and Famous, find their way into almost every sentence, as she sweeps through restaurants, bars and cafes, gracing everyone with air kisses and “royal” waves; leaving a trail of bewildered tourists asking “Who is that woman? Is she famous?”
After yet another day of frantic writing, outlandish PR stunts, and endless promises of global stardom to local artistic talents, @pradagoesrural retreats to her pretty veranda laden with oversized pots of lavender, and pours a glass of French bubbles. Smiling at her own fabulousness and gathering the energy to do it all over again tomorrow.
I sneak quietly out the backdoor, with a canister of She-Tea @pradagoesrural secreted away in my Mulberry Tote. I always dreamt of being on the cover of a magazine, but this is SO much better. My mind is still racing with ideas on how to get Mrs She-Tea onto supermarket shelves around the world. I wonder if Wedgewood would design a tea-cup for ME? Must ask.